November 15th, 2010, my life took a dramatic turn. I sat in a hospital room, holding my mom’s hand as I listened to my dad tell me that my mom had severe brain damage from the seizure she just had and she would never wake up again. I remember a wave of numbness wash over my body as I sat there, confused, helpless. I managed to gather myself to the point where I would be able to drive from Colorado Springs to Boulder, just hours after receiving this news. I leaned down, kissed her on the forehead and said my final goodbye.
The following day I received a phone call from my dad saying that she woke up. She couldn’t speak very much and her memory was gone for the most part, but she woke up. I was filled with hope and belief that she would continue to get better but I began to realize that that wouldn’t happen. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung Cancer, with several tumors on her brain, prior to her seizure. Her body was too weak to fight.
From that point on, I began living with fear. With every phone call or text message I received, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, fearing that I would hear the undesired news of my mom passing away. This feeling still hasn’t changed. It is now early January and my life is still the same as it was back in November. Each day is a constant challenge, often filled with confusion and sadness. I struggle with staying in Boulder, attending classes and work every day. I wonder what will happen to me after my mom passes away. I wonder if I will be strong enough to lose my mom, best friend, and role model.
They say that things like this only make you stronger, yet I’ve felt nothing but weak since July, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Every few weeks I received more news about my mom’s condition and it only seemed to get worse. The beginning of this week was the worse news I’ve gotten in a while. January 11th I received a message from my dad telling me that my mom is in her final stages. The nurse told him it may be a few hours or days but it will most likely be less than a week. Hearing this made caused my body to go numb once again. How is someone supposed to hear news like this and still continue to live their life just as they did before? It is difficult to continue my schooling and job in Boulder knowing that when I left my parents house a week ago, that was the last time I will ever see my mom.
So here I sit, and wait. I do my best to compose myself enough to sit through a class but it is much easier said than done. I put on a good face so no one can see my broken heart on the inside. I live to the best of my ability, hoping, praying, waiting
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